Dear Divorce Coach:
I’ve been married for over a decade, and lately, I feel like my partner and I are more like roommates than spouses. We barely touch, barely talk about anything real, and our sex life is… basically nonexistent. I keep thinking, Is this just what long-term relationships become? I’ve read about “sexless marriages,” and it’s starting to sound uncomfortably familiar. I don’t want to walk away from what we’ve built, but I’m scared we’ve lost something essential. Can you help me understand why this happens—and what we can do to get back to feeling close again?
Sincerely,
Lost the Spark
Dear Lost the Spark,
First, let me say: you’re not alone. And your willingness to name what’s happening, even through fear or discomfort, already tells me how deeply you care about your relationship. That courage is something to honor.
What you’re describing is heartbreakingly common. So many couples—especially those who’ve been together for years—wake up one day realizing that they feel more like business partners or co-parents than romantic companions. The emotional intimacy has faded. The physical connection has dwindled. And no one really knows how to talk about it.
You’re right to name it. The term sexless marriage has come up in recent years with increasing frequency, not just in therapy offices but in major publications like The Atlantic and The New York Times. Studies show that anywhere from 12% to 50% of married couples report little to no sexual connection—and beyond that, many are struggling with emotional disconnection, too. These trends aren’t just statistics; they’re quiet realities lived out in bedrooms and kitchens across the world.
Why does it happen? Often, it’s not one big moment—it’s a slow drift. Stress, burnout, parenting, health issues, and mismatched libidos can all play a role. But the biggest culprit? Disconnection. When couples stop feeling emotionally seen, understood, and safe, the physical side usually fades with it. Emotional intimacy is the foundation, and without it, everything else begins to crumble quietly.
I also want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to say out loud, I miss us. That ache you feel isn’t just about sex. It’s about wanting to be wanted. Wanting to feel known. Wanting to laugh and touch and talk the way you used to. And that longing is valid. It matters.
Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, whose research has transformed how we understand long-term partnerships, says that the strongest relationships are built not on grand romantic gestures, but on everyday moments of turning toward one another. That means responding—emotionally and physically—when your partner reaches for you. It means being curious about each other’s thoughts, fears, hopes, and dreams. Gottman calls this developing a “love map”—a deep understanding of your partner’s inner world.
And here’s the good news: disconnection doesn’t have to be permanent. You’re already taking the first step by paying attention and asking for help. From here, it’s about creating space to rebuild—not just physical intimacy, but emotional trust.
Start by talking. I know that sounds simple, but often, the silence around intimacy is where the most damage happens. Share how you feel without blame. Use “I miss…” and “I wish…” instead of “you never…” or “why don’t you…” Invite curiosity instead of defensiveness. Sometimes, even beginning that conversation with “I read this letter to a divorce coach, and it made me think…” can open a door.
From there, make small choices to reconnect. Spend time together without distractions. Make eye contact. Touch—even if it’s just a hand on the back. Do things that make you laugh. Remember that desire doesn’t always start in the body; sometimes, it starts with a moment of feeling emotionally safe again.
And if you find yourselves stuck in cycles you can’t get out of alone, couples counseling can be incredibly helpful. A skilled therapist can guide you through the hard conversations, help you untangle old patterns, and support you in building new ones.
You don’t have to have it all figured out today. But this question—this letter—is a beautiful start. You haven’t lost the spark forever. You’re just being asked to tend the fire a little differently than before. With care, attention, and a little vulnerability, that connection can grow back—stronger, deeper, and more honest than it’s ever been.
With hope,
Cherie
If you need more support, I’m right here to be your thinking partner.
Let’s have a Discovery Zoom today: www.DearDivorceCoach.com
References:
- “What Are Sexless Couples Avoiding When They Don’t Have Sex?” – Psychology Today, published on February 19, 2025.
- “What Really Goes on in Sexless Marriages” – Psychology Today, published on February 6, 2022.
- “10 Emotional Effects of Sexless Marriages & How to Handle It” – Marriage.com, updated on November 7, 2024.
- “When Sex Leaves the Marriage” – The New York Times, published on June 3, 2009.
- “Can a Sexless Marriage Be a Happy One?” – The New York Times, featured in the Modern Love Issue, published on April 19, 2024.
- “Illustrating a Sexless but Equal Marriage” – The New York Times, published on February 6, 2014.
- “The Anti-Social Century” – The Atlantic, February cover story by Derek Thompson, published on January 8, 2025.