My spouse and I want to get better at communicating and handling challenges without turning everything into an argument. I keep reading about “growth mindset,” but how does that actually work in a marriage? Can a couple develop a growth mindset together? And if so, how?
Sincerely,
Curious and Committed
Dear Curious and Committed,
I love this question because you’re already halfway there. Just asking how to grow together means you’re stepping out of the “who’s right” trap and into the “how do we make this work” zone. That’s a growth mindset in action.
A growth mindset, a concept popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck, means believing that skills, understanding, and connection can evolve over time. Through effort, openness, and reflection. It’s the opposite of the fixed mindset that says “we’ll never change” or “this is just who we are.”
And YES couples can absolutely develop a shared growth mindset. Here’s how:
- Get Curious, Not Critical
When your partner does something that frustrates you, try swapping judgment for curiosity.
Instead of: “Why do you always shut down when we argue?”
Try: “I notice it’s hard for you to talk when things get heated. What’s going on inside for you in those moments?”
You’re shifting from attack to understanding which opens the door to empathy instead of defensiveness. - Choose the Right Time to Talk
A great conversation at the wrong time can still go south. Agree together on when and how you’ll tackle tough topics. For example:
- Schedule “state of the union” talks once a week when neither of you is tired or hungry.
- Take 10 minutes apart after an argument before coming back to talk calmly.
- Create a short check-in ritual (“What went well for us today?”) that builds positivity between heavier talks.
Timing turns chaos into collaboration.
- Share Perspectives, Not Proof
You’re not on trial. You’re in a relationship. Try using language that invites your partner into your experience instead of demanding they see things your way.
Say things like:- “From my side, it felt like…”
- “What was that like for you?”
- “I wonder if we might both be right in different ways.”
These phrases keep the dialogue open and mutual, instead of competitive.
- Practice “Micro-Apologies”
You don’t have to fall on your sword every time, but small moments of ownership go a long way.
A quick “You’re right, I was distracted when you were talking, let me try again” can turn tension into connection. Growth mindset couples understand that humility builds trust, and trust fuels growth. - Celebrate Effort, Not Perfection
If your partner tries a new way to communicate — even if it’s clumsy — acknowledge it. “I see you trying to stay calm, thank you for that,” is a powerful reinforcement.
Couples grow stronger when they notice effort instead of waiting for flawless performance. Think of it as relationship cross-training: you’re both building emotional muscle.
A growth mindset in marriage means seeing yourselves as a team that’s learning not a courtroom where someone’s winning. It’s about progress, not perfection; collaboration, not competition.
When both people believe that understanding can deepen, forgiveness can stretch, and love can evolve that’s not naïve optimism. That’s the foundation of real resilience.
With warmth and compassion,
Cherie, Dear Divorce Coach
Want to keep growing together?
Explore more articles and tools for couples on my Dear Divorce Coach Blog, or check out my book Putting Kids First in Divorce. It’s full of practical communication strategies that also strengthen relationships built on growth, respect, and heart.
You don’t have to do this alone. Coaching can give you the guidance and practices to reconnect, even when the distance feels wide.
If you need more support, I’m right here to be your thinking partner.
Let’s have a Discovery Zoom today: www.DearDivorceCoach.com