What does a divorce coach do, and do you need one if you have a lawyer and a therapist? A divorce coach with a law degree explains who does what.
Dear Divorce Coach:
My spouse and I agreed to separate three weeks ago. Since then I have hired a lawyer, and I have seen my therapist every Thursday for two years. Both of them are good at what they do.
Last week my sister said, “You need a divorce coach.” I smiled and nodded. I had no idea what she meant. My lawyer bills by the six-minute increment, so I am afraid to ask her anything that is not strictly legal. My therapist helps me understand why I feel the way I do, but I leave her office and still do not know what to say to my spouse about the house, or how to answer the text that arrived at 10 p.m.
What does a divorce coach do? And do I need one if I already have two professionals?
Already Paying Two People in Pasadena
Dear Already Paying,
Your sister is onto something, and your confusion is fair. Most people have never heard of a divorce coach until they are in the middle of a divorce. I have a law degree and I have been coaching since 2015, so let me draw you the map I wish every client had on day one.
Three professionals, three different jobs
Your lawyer protects your legal rights. She tells you what the law says, drafts the documents, negotiates for you and speaks for you in court if it comes to that. Her job is the legal outcome.
Your therapist helps you heal. She works with your history, your grief and your mental health, and that work often continues long after the divorce is final. Her job is you.
A divorce coach helps you get through the divorce itself, one decision at a time. In divorce coaching, my job is the next conversation, the next choice, the next hard week. I do not give legal advice, even with a law degree, and I do not treat anxiety or depression. I work in the space between those two offices, which is where most of a divorce happens.
What a divorce coach does in a normal week
Here is what clients brought me in a recent week.
One wanted help answering a late-night text without starting a fight. We wrote three sentences together and deleted twelve.
One had drafted a two-page email to her lawyer at midnight. We cut it to five questions, and she sent it the next morning.
A couple came in together to decide how to tell their children. They left with a plan, a date and the words.
A woman leaving a marriage of thirty-four years had not managed money in decades. We made a list of every account and every question, and she walked into her financial advisor’s office with a folder instead of a knot in her stomach.
None of that is legal work, and none of it is therapy. All of it changes how the divorce goes.
A coach often saves you money
You are afraid to ask your lawyer anything that is not strictly legal, and I understand why. The answer is to bring those questions somewhere else.
When you arrive at your lawyer’s office calm, organized and clear about what you want, her time goes to legal work. Clients tell me their meetings get shorter and their emails get fewer. The 10 p.m. text gets handled with me, at a coach’s rate, and your lawyer never needs to see it.
Your therapist benefits too. Thursday goes back to being about you, instead of about the house.
Do you need one?
Not everyone does. If you and your spouse are communicating well, you know what you want, and you feel steady making decisions, your lawyer and therapist may be all the support you need.
A coach helps most when you notice any of these:
You are making big decisions while flooded, exhausted or afraid.
Conversations with your spouse keep going sideways.
You leave your lawyer’s office with more questions than you brought.
You are a parent and want your children to come through this well.
You and your spouse want to stay out of court and need help staying at the table.
I work with individuals, with couples deciding what comes next, and with the family system. Couples often hire me together. One coach for both of you means neither of you is being coached against the other, and my time goes where the conflict lives, which is rarely split evenly. Some clients come for high-conflict divorce coaching. Others come for co-parenting coaching, and I wrote about what a co-parenting coach actually does if you want to see that work up close.
You do not need a coach in your town. I meet clients online by Zoom, wherever they live, which is how most people work with a divorce coach now.
How to choose one
Ask where they trained. Look for the CDC Certified Divorce Coach® credential. Ask what they did before coaching, because a background in law, mental health or mediation shapes how someone works. Ask whether they will work alongside your lawyer and therapist. A good coach wants to be part of your team and will tell you plainly when a question belongs to someone else.
Then have one conversation and notice how you feel afterward. You should leave a little calmer and a little clearer than you arrived.
You already have two good people in your corner. A coach is the one who helps you use them well, and who is there for everything in between.
Warmly,
Cherie
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