What Makes Divorce After 50 Different
Pew Research Center reports that divorce after 50 has roughly doubled since the 1990s.
Dear Divorce Coach:
I am 56, and my husband and I have been married for thirty-one years. Our children are grown and building lives of their own, and for the first time in decades the house is quiet — and in that quiet, I’ve realized I’m not sure I want to spend the years I have left in this marriage. We don’t fight. We’re just roommates who share a long history. Part of me thinks I’d be foolish to walk away from a comfortable life and a long marriage at my age. Another part wonders if this is my last chance to feel like myself again. Where do I even begin to think this through?
— Wondering at Fifty-Six
Dear Wondering,
First, breathe. What you’re describing — the quiet after the children leave, the slow realization that a comfortable marriage has become a companionable roommate arrangement — is one of the most common things I hear, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Divorce at or after 50, often called “gray or grey divorce,” is the fastest-growing kind of divorce in the country, and the people who choose it are rarely acting on a whim.
A decision this size deserves to be looked at from several angles, not just the feeling of a quiet house. Here are the ones I would walk through with you:
- Emotional and relational. Start here, honestly: is this marriage finished, or is it tired? Sometimes what looks like the end is a long, fixable stretch — and repairing this relationship, through counseling and honest effort, deserves a fair hearing before anything irreversible. It’s also worth being clear-eyed that companionship can be harder to find later in life. Some people are at peace with that; some are not. Knowing which you are matters.
- Financial. This is usually the biggest piece. One household becomes two, and retirement savings, pensions, and Social Security all have to be untangled — often at the age when there’s the least time to rebuild. Look honestly at what each of you would actually live on, and get real numbers before you decide, not after.
- Health — yours and your spouse’s. Consider your own health and energy for a major life change. Consider your spouse’s, too: if they may need care down the road, think through who would provide it — and don’t assume, without asking, that your adult children would want that responsibility to fall to them.
- Your children and wider family. Grown children are still affected — by holidays, weddings, grandchildren, and by the quiet pull to take sides. At any age, they do best when neither parent puts them in the middle.
- Home and daily life. Where would each of you live? What happens to the house, the routines, the community you’ve built around it? These practical questions carry more emotional weight than people expect.
- Identity and the years ahead. After decades of being part of a pair, there is a real and worthwhile question: who are you now, and how do you want to spend the time you have? For some people that points toward leaving; for others, toward staying with new eyes.
You do not have to answer all of these today. The point isn’t to talk yourself into or out of anything — it’s to make sure that whatever you decide, you decide it with clear information rather than from fear or from a single quiet evening. Some people, working through these, find they want to go. Others find they want to stay. Both are honest answers.
Warmly,
Cherie
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