Dear Divorce Coach,
My husband and I have finally decided to divorce. We’re being as civil as we can, but now comes the part that keeps me up at night: telling our kids. They’re 6 and 14 — two totally different humans. I’m terrified of saying the wrong thing and scarring them. Do we tell them together? How much do they need to know? And how on earth do I answer “why?”
— Dreading Sunday Dinner
Dear Dreading,
First, a breath. Parents ask me all the time how to tell kids about divorce without causing lasting harm, and the fact that you’re this worried about getting it right tells me your kids are already in good hands. In almost a decade of walking families through this, I’ve learned that children are far more resilient than we fear — but what they can’t absorb well is conflict. Remember this above everything: it’s not the divorce that harms children — it’s the conflict. Protect them from that, and you’ve done the most important thing.
How to Tell Your Kids About Divorce, by Age
Here’s how I’d plan the conversation.
Tell them together, if you safely can. One conversation, both parents, one calm and unified message. It signals that even though the marriage is ending, you are both still their parents and still a team where they’re concerned. (If there’s abuse or a safety concern, skip this and tell them separately — your safety comes first.)
Lead with the three things every child needs to hear. No matter their age: (1) This is a grown-up decision, and it is final. Kids will try to fix it; gently close that door so they don’t carry the job of reuniting you. (2) None of this is your fault. Say it out loud, in those words. (3) We both love you, and that will never change. These three sentences do more work than any long explanation.
Match the words to their age. Your 6-year-old needs simple, concrete, and repeated: Mommy and Daddy are going to live in two houses. You’ll have a room at each one. We’ll both still take you to school. Little kids care about logistics — where they’ll sleep, who picks them up — because that’s how they feel safe. Your 14-year-old needs honesty and respect, but not the adult details. Teens can handle “we’ve grown apart and can’t fix it,” but they do not need to hear about fault, finances, or anyone’s private business. Giving a teen too much makes them a confidant, and that’s a burden they’ll carry.
Answer the question under the question. When a child asks “why?”, they’re usually really asking: Am I safe? Will you still love me? Where will I live? Answer that. You don’t owe anyone the full story of your marriage.
Don’t make them the messenger — or the referee. Kids should never carry notes, moods, or grievances between two homes. The moment a child becomes the go-between is the moment the conflict lands on them.
Then let them react — however they react. Tears, anger, a shrug, “can I go play now?” — all normal. Tell them the door is always open for more questions, and mean it. This is the first of many conversations, not a one-time speech. Remember, too, that you don’t have to have the answer to the question they ask in real time. You can validate their emotion, if expressed, tell them it’s a good question, and say you’ll get back to them with an answer. This works especially well to give you time — when possible, to reach out to your co-parent to discuss it, or simply to reflect, so that you come back remembering your role, and your child’s, in the family system.
You’re going to do this with more love than you’re giving yourself credit for. Plan the words, keep it calm, and keep the conflict away from them — that’s the whole game.
Warmly,
Cherie
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